This is Disgusting, Debate Pillow Talk 2012

As many of you know, there was a Presidential Debate tonight, An American one. I'm Canadian and to us our debates are not public spectacles the rest of the world is forced to endure in one capacity or the next.  I happened to be lounging around and playing on twitter and every second tweet had to do with the debate and truthfully it disgusted me.

America a nation who openly seems to push for anti-bullying so much, turn into a hoard of raging bullies.  I have read disgusting things about Mitt Romney, that has zero to do with politics or his ability to run the country. I have read some tweets saying if Mitt wins he's going to demand a daughter from each house old. So he can fake marry them like mormons and have a endless amounts of sex. I have read things that he's going to win and then have homosexuals killed because he's mormon and homophobic. I even read a tweet about Romney's wife pointing Obama and saying " Honey look a Black man how exotic. Amongst  other things. 99% of the things I read tweeted by Obama supporters about Romney were nothing but attacks on him, not his politics. Though there were some people truthfully talking about his politics.

I also read a lot of trash talk about Obama, the usual bits about him being a muslim extremist in disguise. The usual knocks about his lack of intelligence though a lot of them were not as extreme as some of the stuff I was hearing about Obama they were still hurtful things and thats just disgusting.

These debates are for people to learn about a candidates political plans of action. They are not about seeing who's followers can say the worst mean spirited things about the other's candidate. All you people tweeting rubbish like that, that has no relevance to politics or running the U.S. You should be ashamed of yourselves because your being cycber-bullies, even if both men will probably never see your tweets. What makes this worse it was coming from young and old alike, not just stupid ignorant kids.

Food 4 Thought.
When you vote, make sure your voting for your COUNTRY. Your not voting for yourself or the small little community of American's you fall into. Be wise at the polls this year and don't let the media or others form your opinions. Do your research, get educated, make the right choice for Americans.

I hope the man best suited for the job, finds his arse in the oval office. God Bless America

-H

Humbled and Overwhelmed

I don't even have the words necessary to translate how I feel to you all, Nothing I say can truthfully do this justice. When I'd first wrote my last blog post on Facebook, it was for my immediate circle, to get people thinking in my area, then I shared it here. I never, ever in my wildest dreams could of imagined the response it'd receive.

I want to thank every single last person who took time to read and share it. Because of you, this thing spread like a field of daisies and popped up in places where it needs to be. Places you nor I could imagine and some of us will never know but we'll know that it will. I only wrote it, you all became my messengers and your all heros and I love you for it.

I wish I could shake the hands of every last one of you but I'm no stretch armstrong and you guys are all over the place. I've been watching the blogger statistics for that last post and more and more places on the little map are lighting up green, it amazing, beautiful, like a true work of art and you all helped paint it.

I'd like to send out a special thanks to Rookie Blue, Rookie Blue News and the shows amazing network of crazy misfit fans. From cast members right down to the average Jane and Joe's who watch the show from their cozy chair. You guys have been some of my biggest supporters in every single thing I seem to be involved in.

All of you have me just so humbled it's unreal, You all make me feel like a rock star.

Thank You
-H

The upfront truth about surviving bullying, the worst parts of being bullied and living as a victim

This was originally posted to my facebook. 

I seldom if ever write and publish things in the immediate public circle of my life. It's not because I have former teachers as friends who'll read this while mentally logging every last spelling or grammatical mistake.  Honestly only a select handful of people on my friends list know the true volume of writing I do, so this will probably be something of shock to many of you. The last time I wrote anything heavy in this arena, it ended up being read to my entire high school during a Wednsday assembly by the principal. Funny how that transpired out of only half a dozen people recieving a copy. It hurt to write but having that revealed to the entire school, even though I agreeed to it for a greater good, that felt like having my head taken off by a garroting wire. I'd like to think the school became a little bit of better place because of it and I hope because of this, somebody's world might become that bit better.

Probably every North American at this point is familiar with the Amanda Todd story. In recent years almost everyone is familiar with a teen suicide story linked directly to bullying made more public due to social media. Cyberbullng isn't a new concept, though the media treats it like it is. It's been happening for years. I used to get bullied via msn groups and because of msn messenger and email, changing schools didn't end bullying because somebody, was told by somebody who ran their mouths and all of a sudden you'd inherret a brand spanking new set of bullies. Yes folks, thats how it works. Thats how it's worked since the late '90s. Of course back then, parents were more concerned about phone sex and cybersex and cyberbullying wasn't even on their radar; I'm pretty sure it was non-existent to them until 2006 give or take.

Back then if you were bullied from one school to the next, you occasionally got what I like to call the " Maybe it's YOU" speech. Any kid who grew up being frequently bullied in multiple schools in the early '00s is familiar with this. The one where your family starts listing off everything thats wrong with you. Even though you can ramble off a dozen kids who did the same things and nobody bullied them. You changed or tried to change everything they said was wrong with you, you got bullied just as bad, nothing changed. Instead you were no longer upset over being bullied, you were miserable with yourself. The reality was junior had no chance of fitting in because other kid's already knew to bully them, because the kid's old bullies passed along the information. Suzie and Johnny had targets on their heads before their feet ever hit the playground. The "Maybe it's YOU" speech hurt just as much as anything the bullies ever did, because you knew that stuff had nothing to do with it, because you knew other kids just like that who were popular and ones who had their little cliques but still were not bullied.

One of the hardest things about being bullied was being bullied and knowing people knew about it, knowing that people know your being bullied but nobody goes out on a limb to stand up for you. Growing up, I knew this was the case because some kids used to sit and watch and laugh at the taunts. Some would watch quietly, sink into the shadows and never say anything. After that piece I did was read to the school I had recieved a card from someone. They knew who wrote what I wrote without being told. They also applauded me for having the balls to write something like that. I still have the card somewhere and I appreciated that but it confirmed something I always kind of knew. The bystanders hurt you so much more than a bully ever could, Because it was the bystander that told you, you have no value. Your not worth standing up for and to feel valueless is the worst possible feeling a person could have. Not just feeling like you have no value in one person's eye but that you have zero value in the world.

You feel this unbelievable shame when your a victim of bullying. It stops you from talking, sure you may say your getting picked on to your parnets but you never really say just how bad it really is. You'll say it's teasing when in reality your being tormented. The shame comes from feeling like a screw up, believing your a screw up because if you weren't screwed up, you wouldn't be getting bullied. It's a very screwed up logic but your already kind of dumb in your teen years with lots of screwed up logic to begin with. I didn't start talking fully about all the bullying until I was 23 years old and even then it wasn't really to anyone particularly close to me.

Because of all this you've got this built up hurt, this built up anger that burns like a hot ember in your chest, it's a physical palpable pain. You've got all this bottled up pain but nobody notices because you've become an expert at wearing a mask. If life were a show, bullying victims would take the oscars every year. Sometimes your masks cracked letting a tiny bit of that pain seep through if only to keep you from self-destructing. In away being a victim of bullying is a lot like being Dexter. To the world your one thing a happy guy, with a couple friends thats sort of weird and likes to keep to himself. Only Dexter and his victims know just how bad it is. Go figure a tv serial killer is the best analogy one could make but it's frighteningly accurate. Thats why you always hear the parents of teens who committed suicide say they had no idea because it's the truth.

I got to some pretty dark places in my teen years, a lot of them actually. I spent nights thinking of how much easier it would be if I just off'd myself. How much easier my parents would have it with out me. The funny thing about being bullied, it makes you think everyone is out to get you or your a burden to everyone because of all your emotional baggage, like I said backward logic. I expirimented with cutting you do it so you can feel something, anything that isn't the pain eminating from your heart or the numbess from shutting down. When you shut down you stop caring. You don't care about yourself, if you don't care about yourself it doesn't hurt as much when bullies say stuff about you, taunt and torrment you. It gets to the point where it hurts so much to live even though you've shut down. People are always saying they don't understand how a kid could get to the point where they would rather die than live. I don't think there is any understanding, it's just a horrible thing that is. Not a lot of people know this fact but I got to that point. I got to the point where I was sitting in the dark, with only a dull desk lamp for light penning the last thing I'd ever write. Being a christian kid, brought up knowing the truth of heaven and hell, I got to the point where being tormented in hell would be better than being tormented here because at least I was going to do something that deserved torment in hell. From one hell to the next.

Obviously my penned suicide note, which wasn't all that eloquent as far as an end of life note could be wasn't the last thing I ever wrote. I went to school the next day, physically dragged myself. Went to class got made fun of when the teacher was out of the room, listened to other people snicker about what my bullies were saying. Went to lunch sat in the back corner of the caferteria, alone.  A pretty common sight when I wasn't eating my lunch outside. Greg Bussey the principal plunked his rear end down in the chair beside mine and started talking about how I should try moose meat. Then Jim Ryan the boys dorm drean, Juan Tyson the music teacher and not to long after that Andre Langevin the french teacher showed up and just talked about nothing. Ribbed me on my bacon eating habbits for a bit. That was a turning point for me, sitting right in front of me I had four people that honestly cared for me beyond professional or familial obligations. Because of all my backward logic, I was blind to my parents caring about me, even though I knew in my heart they did.  A few days after that I threw my knife as far as I could off the light house peir by the lake. 

I slowly found more and more reasons to fight of my own darkness and depression and stay alive. For a long time I merely existed, I survived but I didn't go on living. Coming back from all that is extremely hard and I doubt it'll ever be something a person could truly understand unless they've been in those same shoes. A part of me is still shut down and maybe even a small part of me died in all of this. I still don't fully care for myself but I'm learning to care for a bit more of me each day. It takes work for the large majority of my life thats how I lived cold and shut off. It's not a light switch. More than half a decade after everything, I'm still pulling myself back together. 

Bullying effects every part of a victims life and often effects it for years to come, think twice before your bully someone and if your a bully now think about stopping. Would you like to walk in a victims shoes? Would you like your life to be like that? probably not but if your hurting then try being friends with the kid your going to bully or your bullying because they're hurting to.

If you see somebody being bullied or you know somebody who is in the workplace or at school, grow a set and say something. Tell the bully they need to stop, tell the person being bullied they're worth it to you. That could really change the bully's life and their victim's. Be a fighter and not a witness, they say a bully is a coward but the man who does nothing in the face of something wrong  is the greast of all.

Parents, your kid isn't going to tell you they're a bully and they aren't going to tell you how bad it really is if they're the victim. If you get word that your child is a bully, don't fervently deny it because it's entirely possible, use it as an educating moment with your kid. Talk to the parent(s) of the kid they're bullying and work together to find out what the root cause of thier beefs really are. Parents sometimes running to your kid's teachers isn't going to solve the problems involved in a long term case of bullying. The best thing is to talk and get the kids to talk. Communication is the biggest barrier. Also it never hurts to take a look at your own life, sometimes your the problem. Your prejiduces are passed on to your children.  Becareful of those "Maybe It's You" speeches, because no matter what your child is entitled to basic human decency. No matter how geeky, gay, chubby, pale, quiet or non-athletic junior is basic human decency is their human right. That speech also only adds more hurt on to a day of being hurt at school.

Teachers and School administrators I know I have a lot of them in my friends list, No matter how posh an area or how Christian your school is it's not immune to bullying. Trust me, I went to a nice preppy it costs your first born Christian school, it might actually even be your school and I still got bullied. Bullying is not going to happen in front of your eyes, kids may be a litte daft but they certainly are not brainless enough to do it in front of you. When your informed of it, chances are it's been happening for a very long, long, long time. Having a zero tolerance bullying policy in place is the first step but it can't be on paper it has to be in practice. More and more school are penning them into the hand book and that certainly is a change from when I was in school a good walk up from it even but teacher's have to be proactive. That could mean simply talking to a student who you think maybe experiencing some bullying and letting them know your in they're corner. If you hear a student making fun of another student make them verbaly apology and ask the student how their remark made them feel. If it happens in the middle of a class, stop the class and use it as a learning experience on bullying. Kid's truthfully don't read the handbook so the policy is going to have to be part of their lives and frequently reminding your students of the policy goes a long way. This also lets the students who are being bullied know that your working and fighting for them and that they have value.

If your being bullied, it sucks but you can't let the darkness consume you. As alone as you may feel because of whatever backward hormonal teenage angst and logic you have going on, you've got people, you just have to open your eyes. Your friends don't always had to be the same age as you. The majority of my friends are older than I, infact some of them have kids in college but they're my friends. Let somebody, anybody know your being bullied, you might not be ready to talk about just about bad is but let people know it's happening because they will fight for you if you let them. Thats something I learned later, I wish i could of learned that sooner. I know it's cliche but it does get better but that doesn't happen over night. Stick around, it'll be worth it in the end, I walked in your shoes and now I'm slowly growing into the shoes I'll be wearing the rest of my life. I'd like to think they're Blue Chuck's. Maybe all the crap your being dealt now will help you help some younger kid dealing with it later, I've done a lot of that. If you feel like you need somebody to talk to who isn't going to judge...you can always Private Message me, If you never want me to tell anyone, it'll come with me to the grave. Your not valueless...I value you because somewhere in life, somebody will need you. You'll get to college and see so many weird and unusual people that weird is the new normal and people just don't care about your qwuirks.

How's that for my annual note on facebook. It's something I've been meaning to do for a while now but the time was never seemed right. Most people by now know for somebody who talks so much, I say very little. I think now is the time to say all this because it needs to be said. You hear about all the teen suicides from bullying but never about the survivors. The ones you hear about are celebrities that have gone on to make millions not exactly the best of reality. Nobody ever really talks about life after bullying, most people want to burry it in their past. I did, I've become an expect at compartmentalizing. All of the effects of bullying didn't stay burried some of my siblings bring it up in a joking manner and it sometimes tears at the very fabric of my being. Now I think I'm at the point where it was, what it was. I can't change it but I can embrace it, move on and call on it when somebody needs it.

I don't want smpathy for my sordid young years, I don't want people's pity, I don't want people telling me how strong I am or what kind of person I am because of this note. I don't need apologizies from people in the comments. If your absolutely compelled to do any of these things, send me a private message, we'll talk there. This post even though I feel  freer and lighter than I have in years isn't about me. This is about showing the reality of bullying and what these kids are facing. If you want to make comments on what you think can be done to make Your or Your child's school a safer place from bullying, discuss it I'd love to hear it and maybe you'll help each other in the process but if it's about me....comments on this note isn't the place for it. I request that such things be privately messaged to me.

Sorry if your Butt is numb!

-H

The Never Ending Persuit

It's October 15th 2012, This marks the fourth year of my unemployment. Happy Anniversary? not so much.  I've been diligently following job leads, applying everywhere and selling myself to potential employers. I've got to tell you though, it's tough.

Sometimes I feel disappointed, like I've been looked over. I constantly am looking at myself and seeing what I need to change to make me desirable. I know I can do the work, I'm a hard worker, have been since I was a young child with my first job. I know the economy is tough but when you find yourself hurtling toward Christmas without a dime to your name, it really hits you.

I shouldn't say I don't have a dime. I get $20 monthly from the government in HST cheques they are no longer quarterly. It's not much but I've learned to put a little aside so I've got my family covered for Christmas gifts on a tight budget. Not that Christmas is about gifts but it is nice being able to give.

I'm staying positive, my break has to be around the corner. When I land work, I'm taking no prisoners. I'm going to be the best darn employee a person could hope for.

On a brighter note...all our pies sold out at Applefest this weekend.

Just a drabble from my life.

-H

There is Nothing worse than a bully....Wrong!!

Very recently a young Canadian girl took her own life, she was bullied relentlessly for a stupid mistake. It’s very unfortunate. What happened should of happened. Everyone is taking storm about the Bullying end of this tragedy as they should, but I also think more lessons can be learned from this dark time for young kid’s coming up now.

A lot can be learned from this sad happening. The most obvious bullying isn’t cool. In fact it’s very mean, nasty and just plain wrong. I don’t care how crappy your personal life may or may not be, I don’t care about your religious beliefs or anything like that, Nothing gives you the right to be a bully. There is no constitutional right of freedom for that. I also understand that in life, young people are stupid. I’m 24, just recently turned so and I’m only now beginning to realize just how stupid we are. That is when maturity starts hitting, when your no longer stupid enough to think you knew it all.

Young people make mistakes. If any person reading this were to look back on their lives, they’ll notice they’ve done something that falls under the category of bullying. No one should be talking about how they never bully people, because everyone has at some point, some people just don’t form a habit out of it. 

The second, if your a young kid, Think about what your doing online. Nothing is sacred. Everything you type or show, won’t always stay hidden.  Remember that modest is honest. If somebody asks you to show something your bathing suit was meant to cover, DON’T. It won’t make you beautiful, popular or any other such thing.

Now a more important lesson that comes out of this. I was watching the news clips regarding Amanda Todd’s passing and hardships. I listened to kids talking to reports, kids who knew this young kid was being bullied, knew she made a mistake but I did not hear one single kid say ” I tried to intervine, I stepped up for her”  not once and that is the greater sin. They say there is nothing worse than being a bully, the truth is there is nothing, nothing worse than being a bystander.

I remember being bullied, I was bullied a lot simply for being different to the norm. I switched schools multiple times to escape it. Yes it hurt to be bullied it hurt so darn much and to this day I’m still putting together my personal Humpty Dumpty of a soul. But, you know what hurt the most? Seeing and knowing that other kids knew I was being tormented. Seeing them openly watch or pretend they were not seeing anything. Those bystanders they hurt me a heck of a lot more. It’s the bystanders that leave you feel totally alone, completely valueless because you were not worth it for something to stand up for. So next time you see somebody being bullied physically or verbally, stand up and say something. If your afraid of getting into a fight with the bully yourself, get a teacher or an older sibling for help, then tell the person being bullied what the bully(ies) were doing wasn’t cool and that they’re jerks.  Things like that make all the difference.

If your being bullied, always talk to somebody physical, somebody you can see, smell and feel in your personal life. That can be your gym teacher, den mother from scouts, Big Brother or Sister, Mom or Dad anybody you trust. So you’ll always know that you have at least one person who cares about you. 

If you ever get to the point where you want to take your own life, Stop, Be quiet….put your hand to your chest listen and feel it. Thats your heart beat, thats your purpose. Your heart with no purpose doesn’t beat, it has no will to live. Feel that beat and remember you have to live until you find your purpose in life and that purpose may just be to survive all this garbage and help someone younger than you survive it one day.  You have to fight it if you want to see just how awesome your life really is supposed to be. 

R.I.P Amanda

Be a Fighter and Not a

 Spectator.

R.I.P Amanda Todd and another other person who took their lives because of Bullying.

Your Deaths Won’t Be in Vein.

-H 

So..whats in your closet?

So what is in my closet? No it's not me, but  I was in there briefly trying to find some thing to wear. Never thought I'd ever be in the position of saying " But I have nothing to wear". Kind of always thought that cliched line as being the realm of women and refined gay men. Definitely not hating there! everyone needs a women and a refined gay man in their life.

The thing is my closet isn't empty, you'd have to go through a heck of a lot to find the door to Narnia but none of it just seems to be there for me anymore. Maybe thats because I'm growing up and my tastes are changing or I'm picking up way to many tendencies from my wonderful assortment of gay friends. Not that, thats a bad thing since I don't have one fashionably challenged gay in my life.

I guess most of my closet pretty much says " Hello I'm 14 and play with Pokemon" and I've hit this brick wall where I've just realized this, finally acknowledged it or just can't handle it anymore. Who knows but I'm at this stage where I want things that not only reflect me as a person but reflect where I am in life.  You know I'm still young and fresh but I'm not anyone's baby either. Well I'll always be my parents baby but you get what I mean, right?

Steve McGarrett

One of the things I find myself thinking about our V-neck T-shirts and I blame CBS' Hawaii Five-0 for this. The V-Neck just looks simplistic and classy on Steve McGarrett and while not detracting any of the rugged and tactical image associated with the character.  The thing is, I've often swiped my old man's V-necks t-shirts to sleep in. They aren't deep Vs but they still dip down so low I look like an outdated hairless cop from old episodes of Miami Vice.

None of these

Another thing I'm realizing is, I no longer want silly pictures on my t-shirts. I just want plain shirts. While I still appreciate a well laid out graphic t-shirt and have an appreciation for Vintage T-shirts. I no longer want shirts with ridiculous characters on them or that appear as though, they've been picked up at the nearest tacky tourist shop from the airport on my last 15 vacations.  Ironically I had that very T-shirt at some point in my life. Probably wore it to death, or it disappeared when my mother deemed Pokemon demonic.

I also find myself considering polo shirts, correction, I actually bought one in August. Now polos have been something I have naturally hated my entire life.  My Dad actually loathes them himself. But now I seem to be looking at polos through a different eye a more mature one perhaps.  Polos also seem to oddly enough go very well with Cargo pants. Well Steve McGarret makes them work. Maybe I'm taking a lot of my adult style cues from McGarret while my childhood style cues came from whatever mommy put in my closet and whatever Disney Show was popular at the time.

Don Flack

Now Jackets, the fact that I'm thinking about Jackets, frankly scares me. My whole life I have had exactly two jackets for general public wear. My Snowboard Jacket for winter, and my team windbreak jacket from the Aerials. I have never considered a Jacket that pulls together an outfit, heck I didn't ever really think of outfits until recently. Don Flack from CBS' CSI: NY's sense of jackets seem to be appealing to me lately. There versatile and could easily be dressed up or dressed down depending on the occasion. I figure if I'm going to spend a while going on a closet overhaul. I'd rather quality vs quantity.  Not to mention I'm pretty cheap in general.

On top of this all, I've been considering fit when it comes to my jeans. Most of my current jeans fit horribly. Like a teenage punk rocker off to a concert with pants that are far to big. Trust me, I've looked in the mirror they're that bad. I have a few pairs of pants that aren't bad that have been recent purchases.  The first thing on my list is good old pair of cargo pants. I don't ever see myself dressing like a little hipster, not my scene. I'm a traditionalist in all sense of the word. I won't be jumping on the skinny pants band wagon but a good set of fitting jeans ought to make my bottom look nice.  Apparently it's one of my assets, I might as well flaunt it.

One thing i've noticed is I don't wear pants as low anymore.  I don't sag my pants half way down my arse anymore. That was something I did a lot of not I just don't. I also find myself in the malls and seeing all these young guys and wanting to tell them to pull their dang pants up. I do wear mine low slung on my hips but not that low.

These just seem to be a lot of changes I'm noticing in myself. Maybe it's all part of this self-image thing I find myself looking at lately. Don't get me wrong, I have a positive Self-Image, it's just changing now. On top of my currently dropping some pounds and increasing my over all cardiovascular endurance, 2013 is looking to be a huge year for me.

-H